Ten Telltale Signs That You're Flunking Parenting

Just a few off the top of my head.

1. When people ask you 'How old are your kids?', you provide figures from 5 years ago --and believe them to be true.

2. When, on the rare occasion you buy a present for your children, you buy them something they've outgrown ages ago.

3. When you try and strike a conversation with your kids, there's this air of unnecessary stranger-to-stranger cocktail dinner awkwardness hanging above you all.

4. When you're not around, your children don't look for you. When you're around, they'd feel better if you weren't.

5. When major school events and extra curricular milestones come around, your kids don't even ask if you're attending. They immediately assume you won't.

6. When you break a promise, your kids are fine with that. It's not like it's the first time.

7. When you engage in some physical interaction with your children, your kids give you that look that screams 'Child abuse!'

8. When you FINALLY try to parent them, your kids give you that look that screams 'Who are you to parent us?!'

9. When you look for yourself in your children, you don't find even the slightest smidgen. It's as if they were never your children at all.

10. When the Developmental Psychologist asks your kids to draw a family picture. your image doesn't even make it on the paper. And yet to your kids, the picture is complete.

It's a given that parenting is one tough business. But the simple act of BEING THERE --being a familiar, warm presence in your children's lives --means you've already succeeded most of the way.

#YolandaPH: How can your kids help

Us parents will always have the tendency to shelter our children from the ills of the world. That's natural. But at some point, you will have to allow them to realize that life is not all unicorns and rainbows. You will have to open their eyes (in a PG kind of way) to real issues that happen around them. Specially those where they can actually make a difference.

We showed photos of the Yolanda disaster that befell Tacloban, Philippines to our boys. And told them that they can help the little kids who have lost their homes. And their toys. They were more than willing. These are simple ways, but they do go a long way --for the kids in Tacloban and for your kids as well.

1. Your kids can help by deciding for themselves which of their old toys they're willing to donate.

2. Your kids can do the sorting. One box for baby toys, another box for older kids' toys, and so on.

3. They can personalize, like the photo above. This is just a touch that my boys wanted to do and I think it adds a ton of heart to the effort.

4. If your kids are big enough, they can join their school's donation repacking drive for Yolanda victims. This usually happens in school after classes or over the weekend.

These may look like little things, but they're huge for your children. That sense of responsibility and compassion to help others in need is just bigger than anything else.  Plus, you've made a bunch of other children smile.

Imagination Doors

And now a word from my son.

Sometimes it takes an honest, compassionate child's view to make us see something in a totally different light. No high-falluting scientific terms, no medical horror stories, no psychological drama. 

And NO JUDGMENT.

That's how you understand a condition, that's how you understand a person.

Adults, specially those in authority, should take some cues from children. Who knows, maybe you're using too much logic that you've totally lost out on heart. For a different perspective, maybe it's time to open our own doors.

PS. And yes, I am very, very, overwhelmingly proud of my boy. :)

Taal Volcano Tour: Photography and Documentary by a Middle Schooler

You know how I rabidly plan weekend adventures for my kids, right? Well, my worthy opponent --the school's Saturday Club-- won this round. Pushing the envelope, they brought a busload of giddy students to... TAAL VOLCANO!
Holy Crabs, Taal Volcano has been on my list of family trips for like forever! And the school's Saturday Club beat me to it! Well, both Miro and Kenji were bubbling with excitement so I had to admit defeat and let them go. I knew they would have fun and that they were in good hands.

But... but... what about photo ops? I've always been the family's official trip photography and documentary person (my sons lovingly call me 'The Memory Keeper' --yeah, I'm proud of that title). Apparently, I can be replaced in that area, too. Miro, armed with his father's camphone, was unstoppable!

So for now, I'm taking a step back, and letting Miro do the blogging.
Presenting the Taal Volcano Tour!

Neat, huh? Looks like my son can replace me as a blogger, too. :P

Parenting Tip: If you can trust your child with a camphone --and if the school will allow it-- let him carry one for his field trips. For a change, get a whole new perspective on things through his eyes and words. It will definitely be, as they say, epic!

The Gift Of Happy Even After, Now Available HERE!

Last year, I bought this original, finely crafted journal from a single mom (my best friend living in the Philippines) and gave it to another single mom (my best friend living in the U.S.) as a Christmas present.  These are two of the strongest, happiest women I know.  Not only because they managed to live lives as their own person, but because they wonderfully brought up two of the most beautiful little girls I love. Together, they've inspired me to be a better mom.

The Happy Even After hardbound was the perfect gift between these two.  It's an expert (it contains tips on child care), an ally (it shares encouraging stories from prominent solo moms), a confidant (it has pages where one can write down her own true-to-her-own-life fairytale come true).

I bet you know a solo mom whom you'd want to give the gift of Happy Even After to this Christmas.  She can be your friend, your sister, or your tita who was never married, was once married, widowed, or raising other people’s children as her own.

Well, guess what --NOW YOU CAN!  That's because I am giving away 3 (yes, THREE) Happy Even After journals to three of my blog readers who can tell me how a solo mom has touched their lives.

Has a solo mom inspired you to be more independent?
Has a solo mom taught you the value of great parenting?
Has a solo mom made you realize how capable you are of so many things you never even dreamed?

Do your sharing in the comment box below.  And I'll be more than happy to ship you your Happy Even After copy for FREE!  Well, if you live in Metro Manila, that is. :P

Solo moms can be the best inspiration, and the Happy Even After can be your way of saying thanks and Happy (Even After? :P) Holidays to her.

So comment away, and win!


UPDATE:  I've received some really cool sharing in both my comment box and Nuffnangx convo box!  Thanks!  You can share some more until December 30.  

Bring-Your-Kids-To-Work Day

You should really have one of those!
Bringing your kids to your place of work lets them know how interesting (or how boring) your job is.  It helps them see what keeps you away for hours.  It makes them understand a little about adulthood.  It lets them appreciate the concept of 'work' and 'responsibility'.  And --it allows them to bond with you like never before.

Sounds cool?  Before you jump on the next bus toting your laptop and your child, you have to plan the experience first.  Choose a day when you don't have a lot to do at the office.  That once-in-a-blue-moon stress-free day should be perfect.

When you find that, show them what you do.

And then let them try it out for themselves.

It will be pointless to take them there and then tell them, 'Don't touch anything.', 'Be quiet.', 'Stop running around.', 'Just sit in a corner.'  You do have to watch them closely, but take it easy and let them explore your world for once.

Make sure your work mates are absolutely ok with your kids asking questions and 'pushing buttons', too.  They'll be curious as hell and you (and your friendlier colleagues) should be open to help them learn.

Reality check, Bring-Your-Kids-To-Work Day should be a little straining.  You may have to chase your kids around a bit.  Your patience may even dwindle for a second or two or more.
But at the end of the day, when your children tell you that all they want when they grow up is to be like YOU ... it'll be far more rewarding than any other day at the office.  I can tell you that.

???

I always thought the pesky questions stage would stop after preschool.  But... it gets worse when your kid hits primary borderline middle school.  All the questions you dread come in by the overwhelming bushelfuls!

Last month, my son asked if every family has to go through divorce at one point.
Last week, he asked if watching Powerpuff Girls would really make a boy gay.
The other day, he asked how a child can turn into a drug addict.
Last night, it was why it was ok to hug a girl when he was a little boy and disallowed now that he's 10 years old.

These are things he's picked up in school and my job is to get him to see different sides of the issue.  Not to ram some kind of imposed conclusion in his head.  I raise my kids to be open and opinionated.  I want them to be able to ask me questions without shame and discuss their personal take on a delicate or controversial concern without fear of being judged.
I'll also need to help him sift through the factual and the fictional --without making him panic himself into adulthood.  Talks in the school cafeteria and playground tend to blow up in proportion.  No, you don't get cooties when you accidentally brush against a girl in homeroom class.  But yes, you cannot go about hugging her like you used to because personal space is important to some people as they grow older.  It takes a good balancing act.  I have to be truthful but age-appropriate at the same time.

I'll also need a good supply of Valium.

If I ever thought changing diapers while preparing formula was the toughest part of parenting, I was most absolutely wrong!
I'm suddenly missing the "Why is the sky blue?" and the "Why do elephants have big ears?" questions.

Mars Needs Moms Needs You

Nothing like a traumatic intergalactic experience to tighten the bond between mother and child.  Disney's Mars Needs Moms is --wait for it-- Gribbletastic!  This movie hits home for this blog because even as the premise is all about children learning to appreciate their moms, the deeper message is all about parenting. 

Metaphors flew everywhere!

The mommy Martians who had to design nannybots to discipline their little Martian kids because they have absolutely no time to do so stereotypes the human career woman mom who can't be bothered with parenting that she has to hire a babysitter.

When the Martian moms decided that the Martian dads did nothing but goof around and so had them all banished typifies the idea that men don't ever grow up.  Ok, maybe some don't.  But the movie also showed that it was the dads who connected better with their kids because of this.  The banishment is the Martian's over-the-top way of divorce.

The old, prune-skinned Martian dame of a supervisor represents good ol' mother-in-law who would do anything to get in the middle of her daughter's marriage and gingerly poke her gnarly fingers into the disciplinary process of her grandchildren.

In the end, Mars Needs Moms, although billeted as a kids' movie, is a parents' movie as well.  It's a wake up call.  Do great with your parenting and... and you won't have to kidnap a parent from another planet to do it for you.  Haha!  Or... or, do great with your parenting, earn the envy of your extraterrestrial peers, win a free trip to outer space, plus, a laser treatment!  Woohoo!
No, seriously.  Do great with your parenting as a unit of mother and father... and have a happy family.  The end.  Simple.  But like I said, it hits home. 

Wonderfully crafted from messages to images, Mars Needs Moms is a must-see for the whole brood.
"Prrrr...Tuk!"
(That's 'Awesome!' in Mars-speak.  Look it up.)

If Only You Would Listen

If only you would listen

I wouldn't have to yell

I wouldn't have to feel bad

For making your life 'hell'

If only you would listen

There wouldn't be time out

No grounding and no spanking

These I can do without

If only you would listen

I wouldn't have to sob

For being 'mommy monster'

To the only child I love

Disciplining your child is the toughest job in the parenting handbook.  I wrote this for mothers (and fathers) who feel awful every time they must be firm on their children.  I myself feel horrible on the rare times I would lose patience and raise my voice just a tiny notch.  It's normal.  Tough love is always better.  Unfortunately. :(

I Am Sappy

One movie I have successfully avoided for 9 long years is I Am Sam.  I have good reasons:  I'm not sappy enough to go for drama movies, I have a long-running bad vibes trip for both celebrity brats Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning (thanks to TMZ), and I have a malignant soft spot for people with disabilities.  Whenever I see them in a situation where they are questioned or threatened, I go into maternal lioness mode, step in between, and get in trouble.

Today, HBO had I Am Sam on.  Nothing else was good on all 100 networks, imagine that.  So Jing and I and Alpha suddenly found ourselves glued to the movie.  And just like that, for a good hour and a half, all my logic for steering clear of this movie assaulted me like a plague of freshly-chopped onions.
Never has a movie made me cry so much on so many scenes!

1.  When Sam (Sean) and Lucy (Dakota) were playing on the swings on time lapse.  Father and child bonding always makes me soggy with emotion.

2.  When it has become clear that Lucy has exceeded her father's mental ability, and she started dumbing herself down.  It's amazing how children can be very compassionate.  They're not always little monsters.

3.  When Sam explained that he and his daughter have 'same smarts'.  Because it's true!  Parents should never assume that they always know better than their children.  Being older doesn't always make one wiser.  Parents can be smarter than their children on some things, and their children can be smarter than their parents in some things.  I'm not even talking about disabilities here.  This is a fact for everyone.

4.  When Sam had a breakdown in court when the prosecutor attacked him by saying he's not worthy to raise Lucy.  Ah, maternal lioness mode, ON!  Who the hell actually decides that?  Is there a rule book on perfect parenting that a lucky few has found???  Even people known to have high IQs fail at parenting.  Background has nothing to do with parenting.  As Lucy put it brilliantly, "All you need is love."
Now that's me on full sappy mode.

5.  When the lawyer, Rita (Michelle Pfeiffer), cried about not being a good enough parent because of her career.  And that she loses patience on her son and yells at him to cover up her parenting flop.  Nuff said.  This was soooo me! :(

Still clutching Jing's tear-soaked shirt (I wept on the poor man's chest the whole time) --no matter how delayed a reaction this may be-- I laud Sean, Dakota, and Michelle for their impeccable performance.  I laud the Beatles soundtrack and historical reference to the legendary band in the film.  I laud a story that makes us rethink our parenting styles.  I laud myself for finally watching this movie.

Now I wish my kids would come back from school already so I could hug them ever so tightly.

Lovin' the extras

You know what I really like about my sons' school --it's the extras. 

Take for example...for Valentine's Day, the school invited the parents to a little get-together.  Naturally, the parents thought this would be the usual preschool party with the singing and the dancing, games and what-not.
Well --surprise, surprise!-- when we got there, there was a restaurant set-up.  REALLY!

For dramatic effect, our kids were taken from us and hidden in a room that was covered with a thick curtain.  When they emerged, they were all wearing these cute little aprons and handcrafted chef toques!  THEY WERE ALL SO FRIKKIN ADORABLE!

They sang a couple of songs, welcomed us to OUR Valentine treat, and then...proceeded to serve us!  Not kidding.  These tiny preschooler hands started setting up the tables, scooping food, and going table-to-table to hand us delicious dishes that they pre-made themselves!  Jing and I just went nuts when Kenji came to us with salad and juice, and said, "Enjoy your date, mimi and dada!"

Mind you, this isn't just a gimmick to turn the parents into a collective pile of vulnerable mush.  The kids learned responsibility, balance, care, and uh-huh...cheeziness alert...love.  In a fun, "I feel so mature today" way.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:  Moving my boys to this school is by far the best parenting decision I have ever, ever made.  Learning isn't just all about books.  It's about experiences.  It's about the extras.