Monday, March 8, 2010

Ode To The Prude

You undoubtedly know her. And if my guess is right, you may have written her off several times already. But she keeps bouncing back like some rubber plague. Why so? Here's why.  

The Prude is Perfect. Nobody knows righteousness quite like she does. The Prude knows what is appropriate and lives by the book --a feat that not anyone is able to perfect. But she has. She also believes she has the power and right to judge other people. And her opinion will always be perfect.  

The Prude is Protective. She knows she has been sent by a higher force to correct the ills of the world. She is god-sent to correct you every single time you think out of the box. But not because she hates you, but because she loves you. And her mission is to protect you from going astray from her holy book of good values. She is on your side.  

The Prude is Psychic. Everything you say, she reads as a cry for help. Everything you say is your way of reaching out to her to receive a full helping of sermons. She knows that you're asking for it. Although you're quite shy to admit it. She feels it. You need her to survive.  

The Prude is Pun-disabled. Forever the pessimistic, she will always see a looming cloud of doom over YOU (yes, not her, YOU). Do not ever use satirical humor on her for she will never get it. In fact, she has no sense of humor at all. Life is serious and it should never be joked about. Shame on you.  

The Prude is Prophetic. Armed with inspirational quotes she may have stolen from self-help books, wellness seminars, and good vibes get-togethers --she is now ready to spew these as incredible pieces of solid, uncsolicited advice. When you're backed up with reference, how can you go wrong? Bible passages are a click with her, too. Really, who questions the Bible.  

The Prude is Paper-skinned. She is easily hurt when contradicted. When you think differently from her, she looks at it as some kind of attack. Anything you say (as long as it's creatively off from her mind set) IS offensive! And she lets loose a set of hurtful words just to let you know that you have gone against her perfect self.
The Prude is Pesky. Persistent and strong-willed, she will always bring up some old squabble you've had in 1979 to remind you that she was right and you were wrong. This is her way of saying you should always listen to her. And if you say otherwise, she will continue to remind you of the said incident until, possibly, 2089.  

The Prude is Petrified. Change scares her shitless! If you try and be imaginative in her presence, she will shake you with unexplainable panic until you succumb to the norm. Change is the enemy. If you tell her you're thinking of dying your hair purple, she will take this personally and weep.  

After that run-down, your possible question now is this: How do you get rid of a Prude? You can't. Unless you change your number or skip town. How do you survive a Prude? There are 2 ways. You can either humor her. Or challenge her until one of you falls apart in a puddle of defeated mush. But this is a stretch. Because I failed to mention, the Prude is also a Powerdroid in disguise.

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